My Life Changes

by Carrinicole

I know you’ve noticed my feed has changed, and I want to share why:

My first covid-19 days were spent panicking that I had it: in February as it swept into our cities and families, I traveled for work. I then felt a concerning combination of symptoms. I couldn’t get tested because I didn’t have a fever. And I worked every day laying on my couch throughout my illness.

By April, I was one of the many furloughed. It was hard to not take personally. My story starts here.

It starts prone on the bathroom floor. The worst panic attack. I’ve always been drawn to the bathroom for my crisis moments. There’s something about the assumed privacy, and for me, the grittiness of a germaphobe sprawling on that floor. Total absolution. I am completely out of control if I’m okay with my cheek pressing against the tile.

I can reflect now that this episode was a death: the death of the woman who tied her identity to her career. Who saw her only value as a young performer, whose happiness hinged on positive feedback, who would hear her parents tell her they’re proud.

Most times when one is faced with a career crisis, they can go on a retreat, travel, take classes…new experiences. Covid made me stuck with myself, uninterrupted. What happened next, and what continues to happen, has been nothing short of spiritual.

Its been grueling work — identifying and shedding fears and flaws to reveal my true savage self. I seek the guidance of wise women: reading books reaffirming patriarchal wounds, telling me that my true self isn’t something to hide or seek approval for, and getting my birth chart read by my 86 year old neighbor who has become a mentor and guide.

Meditation. Education. Breath. Movement. Diet. Sobriety. Creativity.

I’m still in the in-between space: not who I was, not who I desire to be. The Darkness, the cocoon, not moving but being. I don’t have examples on how I reach that next self: most women who guide me never worked in Corporate America, and went through this phase 20 years from where I am in life. I know I can’t force the process, but I do look forward to meeting her.

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